Why you should open up more to people, according to Dr. Leslie John
CHIBE affiliate and Harvard professor Dr. Leslie John has a new book out called “Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing.”
The book discusses some of the benefits of being more vulnerable and open at work and at home. Purchase it here.
Read our Q&A with Dr. John below:
Your new book talks about striking a balance between sharing too little and too much. What do you think about clinicians opening up to patients about personal experiences?
The thought of opening up to patients about your personal experiences is probably a scary one for a lot of clinicians. If you show vulnerability or weakness, won’t that undermine your authority and make your clients or patients respect your judgment less?
In fact, the opposite is likely to be true, research shows. When you reveal something personal, you signal that you trust someone enough to be vulnerable with them. And your trust in them invites them to trust you back—which, in a clinical setting, can mean trusting your advice about their care.
I’m not saying you should get deep into your problems with clients—that would be inappropriate and unhelpful in most cases. Rather, try going one layer deeper than you normally would.
Suppose a patient asks how you’re doing, and you’ve been struggling lately with some parenting issues. Instead of just saying, “Things are pretty good. How about you?” you might say, “I’m doing OK, but my two teens are really wearing me down lately. How about you? Have you been dealing with any tough stuff?”
By showing a bit of vulnerability—and then turning the focus from you to them—you are likely to trigger the norm of reciprocity, or the common tendency for people to respond in kind.
This doesn’t guarantee the patient will open up, but it does greatly increase the odds that they will. And if they do, you’ll be better positioned to give them the care they need.
CHIBE is always interested in behavior change – do you have any hunches about whether revealing things about your own personal goals or feelings could help you achieve certain goals?
Well, it depends on what your goals are. But most of us aspire to have deeper, more meaningful, more productive relationships with others. And that’s definitely a goal that is furthered by revelation, research shows. Again, thanks to the norm of reciprocity, when we open up to others, they start opening up to us. That exchange of feelings and information brings us closer together.
Revealing also has been shown to enhance mental health and wellbeing. Even just writing down our feelings in a journal for a few minutes improves our mood and our health, James Pennebaker has found in his research.
After engaging in this type of expressive writing exercise, HIV-positive patients showed better T-cell counts than those who engaged in a placebo task.
Similarly, university students made fewer trips to the health center, and unemployed adults found jobs faster.
So, there’s ample reason to believe that opening up, whether in a journal or to someone close to us, is going to move us closer to some of our biggest and broadest goals in life, such as being happier and healthier.
Can you discuss some of the benefits of opening up to coworkers? Are there do’s and don’ts you’d recommend?
At work especially, it helps to distinguish transparency (sharing your thoughts) from vulnerability (sharing your feelings). Both can be powerful, but vulnerability is usually riskier, and so requires more care—especially in the workplace. You don’t want to mistake gossip for possibly revelation, for example, and you don’t want to burden your coworkers with lengthy monologues about your problems.
But it’s important to keep in mind that, in study after study, people assume that admitting something vulnerable (“I get nervous before big presentations”) will hurt their image. It usually doesn’t. In fact, small, authentic admissions often increase trust without reducing perceived competence. And what harms relationships is chronic silence: resentment, mind-reading, emotional distance.
What feels risky in the moment often builds connection in the long run. In particular, I advise you to share not just facts, but feelings—because that’s where the greatest potential for building connection and trust lies.
What would you say to those who are worried about the risks of revealing?
Weigh the potential costs of opening up against something we often overlook: the costs of staying silent. As behavioral scientists well understand, we all tend to focus more on the potential risks of action and overlook the risks of inaction—that is, keeping our thoughts and feelings under wraps.
But when people nearing the end of their lives are asked about their regrets, they tend to regret the things they didn’t do or say more than the things they did do or say. They regret not telling loved ones how they feel about them, or they regret not living a more authentic life. Their poignant reflections, I believe, should motivate us to think more about the possible benefits of revealing, and not just the risks.
